A Military Cargo Plane--Funny Military Jokes

A Military Cargo Plane

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.  The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.

So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.  They throw out a pistol.

“Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle.  “More!” he cries again.

They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport.  They get into a jeep and drive off.

Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying.  They ask him why he’s crying and he says

“A pistol hit me on the head!” They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder.  Again they ask why and the boy says,

“A rifle hit me on the head!” They apologize and keep driving.

They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically.

They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”

An Engineer Jokes--Funny Military Jokes

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. 

Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

      He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

      One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

      Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

      "What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

      "Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

      God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

      Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

Reaction to Snakes--Funny Military Jokes

Reaction to Snakes

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.

• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.

• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

• Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Can't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake."

• Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

Used tank for road rage cartoon • 2nd Ranger: Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

• MI: analyzes all available intelligence and national asset input on the reptilian situation; reports sighting of Godzilla to National Command Authority.

• JAG: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and its defensive posture.

• Quartermaster: Captures snake and applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property.

• Chemical Corps: Starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, "UTRWBAG" (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999.

• Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.

• Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

• Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.

• Pathfinder: Guides the snake elsewhere.

• AF Fighter Pilot: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.

• AF Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

• Green Beret: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

Soldier--Funny Military Jokes

Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.  He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.  The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

 The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.  The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The

English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people.  Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady.  May I sit there?  I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!  Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up,

"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Shit: Through the Eyes of the Military--Funny Military Jokes

Shit: Through the Eyes of the Military

        An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."

        An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good shit."

        A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great shit."

        A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."

        An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?"

Sergeant's philosophy--Funny Military Jokes

Sergeant's philosophy

The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

The CO said, "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

Strangers On A Train--Funny Military Jokes

Strangers on a train

        Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

        As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

        In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

        The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

        The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

        The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

        The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

A Great Pair Of Balls--Funny Military Jokes

A Great Pair Of Balls

Let's read Military Jokes One Liners about Hilarious Joke Of The Day, Military fun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 

"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." 

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 

"Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, 

"He went that way." 

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 

"I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, 

"I understand completely." The soldier added, 

"I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, 

"If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."