Wife's Expecting Jokes That Make You Laugh

Wife's Expecting Jokes

Funniest short jokes

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend.

"You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation, "My wife's expecting."

The Officer looked surprised, "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off."

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper, "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.

"Me," said the soldier simply.

Social Security Jokes Funny

Social Security Jokes Funny

Short funny jokes

How do Republicans plan to fix social security? 

By taking the word SECURITY out of it. 

How did Bernie Madoff get the idea for a ponzi scheme (where you use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors.) 

Social Security! 

What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve? 

Social Security. 

Yo mama so old her social security number is 1! "Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." 

-Bill Maher The Mexican goverment has the best social welfare system in the world. 

No forms ... You share the same social security number with all your amigos. 

Funny Military Hospital That Are Really Funny

Military Hospital

Short joke of the day

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

“What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic piles, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir”

The Funniest Military Jokes One Liners

The Funniest Military Jokes One Liners 

Jokes for the day

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

Clothing Government Military Murphy’s Laws Size

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.

Another such victory, and we are undone.

Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

Surprise is an event that takes place only in the mind of a commander.

Smart bombs have bad days too.

If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships.

Arms Conflict Government Military Things War Battleships Statemanship

Government Military Murphy’s Laws Places

When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be long

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war… just a greater 

Clothing Conflict Government Military War Homosexuals

Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep

I can make more generals, but horses cost money.

Animals Government Military Money Generals Horses

It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little while longer.

If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships.

Arms Conflict Government Military Things War Battleships Statemanship

There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be long

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.

The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little while longer.

All other things being equal, the side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Appearance Clothing Military Murphy’s Laws Plowshares

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

A good many people feel that our present draft laws are unjust; these people are called soldiers

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Blake Clark

Surprise is an event that takes place only in the mind of a commander.

If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.

As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains

Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

Military Murphy’s Laws Incoming fire

All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.

Military Method to Solve A Problem

Military Method to Solve A Problem

Funny story jokes

The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with argument about a window.

One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor.

“Conductor,” said one, “if that window is opened, I’ll just freeze to death!”

“And if it is kept closed,” whined the other, “I’ll suffocate.”

The poor conductor didn’t know what to do and finally turned to the GI for help.”What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?”

“In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack. Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and suffocate the other.”

13 Really Funny Military Jokes

13 Really Funny Military Jokes

1) What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and his aircraft? 

The plane stops whining when you shut down the engines.

2) Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, sir."

3) Q: What do you call a Soldier who can read and write?

A: Colonel.

4) Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" 

Soldier: "Sure, buddy." 

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!" 

Officer: " Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" 

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

5) Whats The Difference Between A Ferrari And A Navy Wife?

Not Every Coastie Has Been In A Ferrari!!!

6) A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: - I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: - You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

7) The Marine walked into a gay bar and said "Here I am". The Bartender ask "Why are you here"? The Marine said "I saw your sign saying "We're looking for a few good men".

8) You Know What They Say About Being In The Navy... 

If You Don't Sleep On Your Back.... Someone Will.

9) Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

10) Q: What Do You Call A Female Marine With Only 1 Std?

A: A Boot.

11) Why does the NAVY have marines on their ships???? 

So the Officers have some one to dance with

12) Soldier in his letter home, wrote: "This army life so I wore out that I was to resemble a photograph on the identity of military personnel.

13) Q. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?

A. Platoon

Really Funny Military Jokes One Liners Of The Day

Really Funny Military Jokes One Liners Of The Day

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

“What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic piles, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir”