Ant Jokes Funny

Ant Jokes

Why was the baby ant confused? 

Because all his uncles were ants. 

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes? 

Antteneye! 

What do you call an and with frogs legs? 

An antphibian! 

What do you call an ant that won't go away? 

Permanant 

Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? 

Because he was pissed off. 

What kind of ants are very learned? 

Pedants! 

What do you call an ant who can't speak? 

A mutant (mute ant). 

Why did the ant cross the road? 

Because he needed to buy deodorant! 

What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? 

deadant deadant deadant deadant. 

What do you call a well-dressed ant? 

Elegant! If three ants are lost in a jungle. 

Who do u call to find them? 

The Minister of finance.(find-ants) 

What do you call an ant who can't play the piano? 

Discordant! 

What kind of ant is good at maths? 

An accountant! 

Where do ants go for their holidays? 

Frants! 

What do you call an ant who skips school? 

A truant! 

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics? 

All sorts of antics! 

See more: Funny adult jokes

Presidents' Day Jokes Funny

Presidents' Day Jokes Funny

What did Americans do because of the Stamp Act? 

They licked the British. 

How do you to play War of 1812? 

You burn down a White House. 

What kind of tea did the American colonists want? 

Liberty. 

Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington's army? 

Laughayette 

What was the most popular dance in 1776? 

Indepen-dance. 

Do you know the 16th President of the United States? 

No, we were never introduced! 

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? 

It can't sit down. 

Where was the Declaration of Independance signed? 

At the bottom! 

What do you call a Nebraskan who hates Democratic Presidents? 

A CORNservative. 

Why did Barack Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden? 

He didn't want any Bushes at the 

Whats the best birthday gift you can give to George W? 

An Exit Strategy from Iraq. 

What is Bill Clinton favorite instrument? 

A sexaphone! 

See more: Funny short jokes

Hair Color Joke Funny

Hair Color Joke Funny

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. 

"Doctor," he said, 

"I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." 

"Nonsense," the doctor said. 

"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." 

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. 

"We're pure Asian." 

"Well," said the doctor, 

"let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed. 

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month." 

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. 

"It's just rust." 

See more: Funniest short jokes

Virility Joke Funny

Virility Joke Funny

Funniest short jokes

Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were having drinks at the bar following a business meeting. 

The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, 

"I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" 

The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, 

"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have a football team." 

To which the Mormon man replied, 

"You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!" 

Mummy Jokes Funny

Mummy Jokes Funny

Funny jokes to tell 

Q: What was the mummies' vacation like? 

A: Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us. 

Q: What is a Mummie's favorite type of music? 

A: Wrap!!!!! 

Q: Why was the mummy so tense? 

A: Because he was all wound up. 

Q: What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done? 

A: Ok, that's a wrap. 

Q: Why did the mummy cross the road? 

A: To get un wrapped 

Q: What do you call a mummy who eats cookies in bed? 

A: A crummy mummy! 

Q: Why don't mummies take vacations? 

A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind. 

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim? 

A: To the dead sea 

Q: What do you call a little monsters parents

A: mummy and deady 

Q: How do you scare a mummy 

A: with a yummy dummy in a crash test crummy. 

Wife's Expecting Jokes That Make You Laugh

Wife's Expecting Jokes

Funniest short jokes

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend.

"You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation, "My wife's expecting."

The Officer looked surprised, "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off."

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper, "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.

"Me," said the soldier simply.

Social Security Jokes Funny

Social Security Jokes Funny

Short funny jokes

How do Republicans plan to fix social security? 

By taking the word SECURITY out of it. 

How did Bernie Madoff get the idea for a ponzi scheme (where you use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors.) 

Social Security! 

What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve? 

Social Security. 

Yo mama so old her social security number is 1! "Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." 

-Bill Maher The Mexican goverment has the best social welfare system in the world. 

No forms ... You share the same social security number with all your amigos. 

Funny Military Hospital That Are Really Funny

Military Hospital

Short joke of the day

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

“What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic piles, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir”

The Funniest Military Jokes One Liners

The Funniest Military Jokes One Liners 

Jokes for the day

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

Clothing Government Military Murphy’s Laws Size

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.

Another such victory, and we are undone.

Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

Surprise is an event that takes place only in the mind of a commander.

Smart bombs have bad days too.

If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships.

Arms Conflict Government Military Things War Battleships Statemanship

Government Military Murphy’s Laws Places

When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be long

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war… just a greater 

Clothing Conflict Government Military War Homosexuals

Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep

I can make more generals, but horses cost money.

Animals Government Military Money Generals Horses

It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little while longer.

If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships.

Arms Conflict Government Military Things War Battleships Statemanship

There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be long

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.

The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little while longer.

All other things being equal, the side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Appearance Clothing Military Murphy’s Laws Plowshares

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

A good many people feel that our present draft laws are unjust; these people are called soldiers

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Blake Clark

Surprise is an event that takes place only in the mind of a commander.

If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.

As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains

Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

Military Murphy’s Laws Incoming fire

All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.

Military Method to Solve A Problem

Military Method to Solve A Problem

Funny story jokes

The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with argument about a window.

One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor.

“Conductor,” said one, “if that window is opened, I’ll just freeze to death!”

“And if it is kept closed,” whined the other, “I’ll suffocate.”

The poor conductor didn’t know what to do and finally turned to the GI for help.”What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?”

“In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack. Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and suffocate the other.”

13 Really Funny Military Jokes

13 Really Funny Military Jokes

1) What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and his aircraft? 

The plane stops whining when you shut down the engines.

2) Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, sir."

3) Q: What do you call a Soldier who can read and write?

A: Colonel.

4) Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" 

Soldier: "Sure, buddy." 

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!" 

Officer: " Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" 

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

5) Whats The Difference Between A Ferrari And A Navy Wife?

Not Every Coastie Has Been In A Ferrari!!!

6) A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: - I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: - You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

7) The Marine walked into a gay bar and said "Here I am". The Bartender ask "Why are you here"? The Marine said "I saw your sign saying "We're looking for a few good men".

8) You Know What They Say About Being In The Navy... 

If You Don't Sleep On Your Back.... Someone Will.

9) Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

10) Q: What Do You Call A Female Marine With Only 1 Std?

A: A Boot.

11) Why does the NAVY have marines on their ships???? 

So the Officers have some one to dance with

12) Soldier in his letter home, wrote: "This army life so I wore out that I was to resemble a photograph on the identity of military personnel.

13) Q. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?

A. Platoon

Really Funny Military Jokes One Liners Of The Day

Really Funny Military Jokes One Liners Of The Day

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

“What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic piles, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir”

Funny Doctor Jokes--Funny Jokes Of The Day

Funny Doctor Jokes

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.  

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice

 I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. 

Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. 

Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.  

"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

Stupid Bird Jokes

Stupid Bird 

There was a robber and he went to this big house on a hill 

Well when he saw the Priest wasn't home he went into the house 

Before he had even taken two steps, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you and so am I" 

The burglar turned around and saw a parrot in a cage 

"Oh it's just a stupid bird" he said Right after he took a couple more steps, he heard the parrot say 

"Jesus is watching you and so am I" 

"Shut up you stupid bird" he said 

As he continued he was about level with the dinning table when he heard the parrot say 

"Jesus is watching you and so am I" 

Before he could turn to say shut up he heard a low growl come from under the table and a huge pit bull came out 

The parrot said "Sic um Jesus" 

My Point Exactly Jokes

My Point Exactly 

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. 

After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. 

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. 

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear,

 "what do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!" 

Wife And Mistress--Funny Military Jokes

Wife And Mistress 

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. 

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. 

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. 

The engineer said, 

"I like both." 

"Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison. 

The engineer replied, 

"Yeah. If you have a wi 

A Military Cargo Plane--Funny Military Jokes

A Military Cargo Plane

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.  The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.

So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.  They throw out a pistol.

“Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle.  “More!” he cries again.

They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport.  They get into a jeep and drive off.

Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying.  They ask him why he’s crying and he says

“A pistol hit me on the head!” They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder.  Again they ask why and the boy says,

“A rifle hit me on the head!” They apologize and keep driving.

They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically.

They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”

An Engineer Jokes--Funny Military Jokes

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. 

Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

      He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

      One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

      Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

      "What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

      "Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

      God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

      Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

Reaction to Snakes--Funny Military Jokes

Reaction to Snakes

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.

• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.

• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

• Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Can't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake."

• Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

Used tank for road rage cartoon • 2nd Ranger: Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

• MI: analyzes all available intelligence and national asset input on the reptilian situation; reports sighting of Godzilla to National Command Authority.

• JAG: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and its defensive posture.

• Quartermaster: Captures snake and applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property.

• Chemical Corps: Starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, "UTRWBAG" (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999.

• Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.

• Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

• Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.

• Pathfinder: Guides the snake elsewhere.

• AF Fighter Pilot: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.

• AF Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.

• Green Beret: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

Soldier--Funny Military Jokes

Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.  He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.  The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

 The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.  The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The

English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people.  Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady.  May I sit there?  I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!  Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up,

"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Shit: Through the Eyes of the Military--Funny Military Jokes

Shit: Through the Eyes of the Military

        An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."

        An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good shit."

        A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great shit."

        A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."

        An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?"

Sergeant's philosophy--Funny Military Jokes

Sergeant's philosophy

The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

The CO said, "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

Strangers On A Train--Funny Military Jokes

Strangers on a train

        Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

        As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

        In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

        The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

        The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

        The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

        The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

A Great Pair Of Balls--Funny Military Jokes

A Great Pair Of Balls

Let's read Military Jokes One Liners about Hilarious Joke Of The Day, Military fun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 

"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." 

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 

"Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, 

"He went that way." 

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 

"I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, 

"I understand completely." The soldier added, 

"I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, 

"If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."